Loneliness

Summer is quickly approaching and with it comes swimming, vacations, and outdoor fun like camping. It is a time where we can rest and recharge from the busyness of our lives. The irony is that sometimes we would choose to withdraw from family and friends and miss out on activities. We choose to spend more and more time alone because we believe others don’t understand us or we will struggle to connect. This is one of the subtle symptoms of trauma.

We miss a dinner party because it would trigger a memory that we rather not think about. Maybe we feel the pressure to be independent, so we don’t call a friend to reach out for help. This is a common symptom that many people experience following a single or multiple traumatic events.

Social withdrawal involves avoiding people, places, and hobbies or activities you once enjoyed because you find it challenging to engage with others without feeling distressed, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed. While it is healthy to spend time alone, it is also important to stay connected with others.

Did you know that loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, making it even more dangerous than obesity? This is according to Douglas Nemecek, MD, Cigna’s chief medical officer for behavioral health.

We know that childhood trauma is closely correlated with depression and anxiety in adulthood. It can find itself creeping up in unexpected ways like inhibiting an individual’s ability to socialize effectively — and to form meaningful long-term relationships.

While there are many different types of childhood trauma, here are a few that put people at the highest risk of suffering from significant loneliness in adulthood:

• Early life attachment issues between a child and their parent or primary caregiver;

• Lack of unconditional love, including constant criticism;

• Neglect or abuse—physical, sexual or emotional; and/or

• Loss of parent or primary caregiver, whether through addiction, incarceration, abandonment or death.

How do they affect my life as an adult?

It is important to remember that these traumatic experiences commonly result in emotional dysregulation that presents itself in adulthood through volatile, unstable relationships . What does that mean? Well, individuals who have difficulty forming healthy emotional connections are, therefore, more likely to feel chronic and/or intensified feelings of loneliness.

People who have experienced childhood trauma often have identity issues, consequently making it harder for them to figure out where they fit in society. Not knowing where you fit in can make you feel lonely.

A third key aspect to consider is how self-esteem can be an issue for adults who endured childhood trauma. Their intense and pervasive feelings of shame can lead to isolation. This is driven by the belief that any attempts to be social will be futile. A person may view themselves as unlovable, unlikable and unworthy of affection; therefore, they expect rejection. This flawed belief system can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and only increase their feeling of loneliness.

So, what can one do to help combat loneliness?

It is important to acknowledge that enduring trauma doesn’t mean you’re destined to live with loneliness for eternity. Here are a few strategies that can help you cope with feelings of loneliness:

1. Identify and validate the feeling. Denial and shame only perpetuate the problem.

2. Think about all the people that care about you and that you care about. Make a list. Post it on the fridge as a physical reminder. It can be easy to forget how wide your friends are, especially when you’re not in a great headspace.

3. Know that you aren’t alone in feeling lonely. This is important to acknowledge and will often help you get to a place where you can be more proactive in warding off loneliness.

4. Utilize your alone time to reconnect with yourself. This can look different for each person. Journal. Take a walk. Sit in nature. Sip a cup of tea. Meditate. Cook a comforting meal.

5. Do not isolate. Get out every day. Have some sort of face-to-face interaction with someone, even if it’s a stranger at the coffee shop.  Research shows that even weak bonds strengthen your immunity and overall wellbeing. Be intentional about not isolating yourself from others.

6. Be a part of a bigger group. Encourage yourself to join a meetup, group or club where you actually interact with other people. You never know where you’ll make a meaningful connection or a lifelong friend. This is a great way to try a new hobby or fall in love something you use to enjoy doing.

7. Social media is not a replacement for human interaction. Make plans to meet up with an old (or new) friend.

8. Go to counseling. If you have difficulty connecting with people, it might take more than leaving your comfort zone or engaging in social skills training.  A trained therapist can help your process and heal from your childhood trauma, paving the way to healthy, fulfilling relationships in adulthood. Counselors can teach you new skills that can help you when you are met with feelings of loneliness.

Here at Heritage Counseling, we want to walk alongside you on your journey towards healing. We are trained in EMDR and work with clients who have experienced trauma. We also specialize in helping those who are struggling with sex addiction and affair recovery. We are also CSATs, certified sex addiction therapists, who specialize in helping those overcome sex and pornography addiction. We are located in Lafayette, Louisiana and virtually throughout the state. Reach out to us today!